sweep sweep sweep

vacuum vacuum vacuum

dust dust dust

WHAT A MESS !

It’s a dust bunny haven here. My gawd, what is that … a spiderweb high rise ? Who is in-charge of this place ? Someone needs to tell her to get her as….. Oh wait, that’s right !

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since my last post. I’d say I have every intention of posting regularly, because I do, but actions speak louder than words, so we’ll see how that plays out. And  in an effort to pop back into things, I am going to try punching out shorter posts in a stream of consciousness sort of manner.

But, in the meantime, to all who have written and continue to pop in from time to time … Thank You ! I cannot express how much it means to me, makes me smile (and yes, sometimes cringe ), when I see a comment or receive an e-mail from you. Life is life and sometimes it is a pain in the bejeebers, but receiving a shout-out from you has, more than once, come at just the right time to enthuse me when I needed some enthusing. So again, Thank You ! Please don’t take my lack of activity here as a sign of disrespect to you. I’m sorry a year has passed since I’ve shared anything, it is inexcusable.

Have I ever told you about the time I got the living krap kicked out of me in a chick fight ???

No?

Seriously?

I haven’t?

Well then …

To begin,

It’s not an entirely accurate statement that …

I got the living krap kicked out of me in a chick fight.

I didn’t really.

Technically speaking,

I got the living phucking krap kicked out of me in a chick fight.

Total,

Complete …

Annihilation.

Krazy, I’m tellin’ ya.

No, No, Nooooooo !!!

My dear boy viewers …

Stop that right now !!!

Slowly,

… Gradually,

…… Discretely,

Lift your hand and place it back on the keyboard.

I’m not talking about the kind of chick fight where …

Women-folk scratch and claw one another,

Pull hair,

Tear off tops,

Fall into mud,

And eventually end up making out with one another.

Ohhhh !

… Oohhhhhhh !!

…… Ooohhhhhhhhhhhh !!!

Nope,

Definitely not that type of chick fight.

The type of chick fight I’m talking about is …

The one where one woman,

Or group of women,

Assert a …

Moral,

Intellectual, or

Societal standing,

Superiority over another woman.

One of those “I’m better than you” kinda fights …

Where women go no holds barred …

To make sure the …

Alleged,

Accused,

Asserted …

Less moral, less intelligent, or lower class standing chica is well aware of the identified differences between them and is thoroughly …

Degraded,

Beaten, and

Humiliated.

So not fun.

Now I know,

You’re probably saying, “But Amy-wan, you’re a Jedi … how could you have gotten the living krap kicked out you in a …”

“No, no“, I’d interrupt, “That’s not what I said.”

“Oh, you’re right,” you would correct and rephrase,

“I meant .. but Amy-wan, you’re a Jedi … how could you have gotten the living phucking krap kicked out of you in a chick fight?”

Well kiddos,

It’s simple.

I was unprepared.

One of the down sides of not growing up natal,

In addition to the whole just going through the motions, being internally miserable at best, and not even coming close to living life things,

Yo,

Is that I was totally klueless when it came to the whole chick fighting scene.

I didn’t know the warning signs that a chick fight was developing,

That I was in peril,

Who would have my back,

And most importantly,

How to defend myself.

Heck,

I was so klueless that …

Not only did I get the living phucking krap kicked out of me,

But I was actually in two separate chick fights at the same time.

And to make matters worse,

I was not even aware I was in either chick fight until it was too late,

And I laid broken and bloodied from both.

“Ummm … could use a little help here. Ow !”

On a scale of 1 – 10 …

It sucked.

Anyways,

I learned a few things from the experience,

And consistent with the whole theme of sharing my life here so others can learn from my mistakes,

I’m not an example, I’m a warning !

This Chick Fight mini-series covers the Uno, Dos, and Tres of what I learned from the experience.

Peace be with you.

This post is the first in a series of five (1 of 5). As each of the posts are published, the links below will go live. And contrary to most of my mini-series, the only post that I have yet to complete is Aftermath, meaning it’s my plan to post one a day in successive days. Enjoy. She shoots, she scores !

Chick Fight – The Boxed Set

Chick Fight – Initiation
Chick Fight – Lesson Uno
Chick Fight – Lesson Dos
Chick Fight – Lesson Tres
Chick Fight – Aftermath

I’m feeling some posting anxiety,

Being how it’s been phreaking eons since I’ve posted.

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do!

Do I post and tell you about the new man in my life?

Do I finish my press conference?

Do I bring you up to speed on this year’s version of the bowling team?

Do I tell you about how, two years after I thought of the funny line, I was finally asked the question in the correct way so I could use it?

And whether they laughed?

Maybe I should downer things a bit and talk about the trials and tribulations of life?

I guess I could share what it’s like now that I’ve finally lost my baby shower virginity?

Or maybe I should get the show on the road by rattling on about the things I did this summer?

Just so many things from which to choose !

I’m rendered almost …

Indecisive.

Not like me at all,

Yo?

Truth be told,

I had finished a post that was going to be my first post back,

It was a moderately funny,

Informative,

And surprisingly topical,

As I’ve received several questions on the topic of late.

But after it was all said and done,

I really didn’t want a post that had a chance …

Of being front page and center for months on AmyNews,

As goodness knows that is always a possibility with me,

Being a discussion of my breasts.

Seriously,

They are focal point enough.

Anyways,

Last night I decided that once I have a bunch of posts up and running again on a consistent basis,

I’ll toss up the breast post among the mix,

But for now,

I’m going to try and soften up any frustrations that may be had because of my lack of postage,

By introducing you to the new man in my life …

Jedi Dog of Tango Kabuki

Everyone,

This is Jedi Dog of Tango Kabuki,

(Friends and family just call him Dog),

And Dog,

This is everyone !

Isn’t he adorable !!! Strong in the Ways of The Force, he is !

Oh yeah,

And this past summer I:

1. Saw Neil Diamond
2. Didn’t see Barack Obama when he was across the street from the AmyCave
3. Didn’t see Hillary Clinton when she was down the street from the AmyCave
4. Didn’t see John McCain when he was down the street from the AmyCave
5. Found myself on google maps – street view
6. Made out with someone I thought was a pirate
7. Saw Def Leppard for the 39th time
8. Played golf with Cousin Golfer, losing the annual golf challenge once again (he’s good)
9. After much experimentation, developed a drink I call “The AmyTini“
10. Adopted Jedi Dog of Tango Kabuki
11. Worked my butt off
12. Cut over 1/2 foot from the length of my hair
13. Had an incredibly, krazy 4th of July
14. Torn it down hard celebrating Sister’s birthday

That’s pretty much it for the summer.

And as far as this year’s bowling team,

I’m going with a Scooby-Doo theme this year,

Calling us Mystery, Inc.

• The Mystery Machine is played by Big Momma’s Bus;
• Fred is played by Bikes Are Dangerous (yes, there’s a story behind that name);
• Daphne is played by Singer;
• Shaggy is played by D-Lo;
• Velma is played by yours truly, Amy-Wan Kenobi;
• And starring in the role of Scooby-Doo is Bruce Lee.

(Shaft has made some guest appearances. Sister and Miss Daisy check-in via phone on occasion)

I almost forgot, this past summer, I also started listing out the …

Reasons Why I’m Weird:

So far, the list includes:

1. I never wear matching earrings. Ever.
2. I do a low, subtle hand gesture as if my Jedi skills are opening doors when I walk into any location with automatic doors.
3. I do the same thing at cross walk signals as I try to time my stride just right.

I suppose you also could add to the list that I actually did spend one Saturday morning at Startbucks scouring Google Maps – Street View to see if I could find myself.

Hope ya’ll are doing great !!!

As I’m barely keeping my eyes open at this point,

I am pleased to announce that in recognition of November 13 being …

Adopt A Time Zone Day,

For the new few hours,

I am adopting Hawaii Time Zone as the official time zone of AmyNews.com,

Meaning I’m adjusting things from UTC-5 to UTC-10 for the rest of November 13 …

And now have another 5 hours to post my semi-annual posts.

Totally legit, yo?

From a certain point of view.

This lifestyle tip might just be localized to the United States,

I don’t know.

But it’s a moderately dandy tip if I do have to say so myself,

For those who like to keep their eating under monetary control.

Now we all know, I’m a fan of fast food,

White Castle still rules,

But I frequent them all …

Especially Taco Bell after 2:00 am.

Anyways,

Here in the States, many of the fast food chains have value menus or dollar menus,

Where they feature select items for a reduced price.

At McDonald’s,

The double cheeseburger is usually on the Value Menu for abour a buck ($1).

I usually order off the Value Menu,

Unfortunately,

On occassion I do get a craving for that …

“Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle, onion on a sesame seed bun” wonder,

The Big Mac.

But it’s not on the value menu,

And runs regular price anywhere from $2.99 up.

So my friend Long Island shared with me this trick …

Order a double cheeseburger off the Value Menu “like a Big Mac“.

Specifically,

Order a double cheeseburger with lettuce, Big Mac sauce and no ketchup.

It’s basically a Big Mac without that pesky middle bun all for a buck.

You do miss out on the sesame seed buns,

But hey,

I can deal with that when I’m getting three Big Mac Lights for the price of one Big Mac.

It’s worked everywhere I’ve tried it and most McDonald’s I’ve been to have a button on their register already set up for it,

However,

I do still recommend specifically saying how you want it,

Because yesterday I ordered it “like a Big Mac“,

And they put ketchup on it anyways,

Which was gross.

Seriously gross.

Now,

All I have to do is figure out how to make a Filet o’ Fish Light and I’ll be golden …

Just like the arches !!!

I recently found myself roaming the halls of my high school.

I can’t say for certain if it was the first time I’ve returned to my high school since graduation,

But I can say for certain …

It was the first time I remember returning to my high school since graduating …

A mere 27 years ago !

Phreakin’ A !

Weird.Strange.Life enough,

My last memory of being in said high school facility was standing in line with Baked Apple getting ready to walk into the fieldhouse for the diploma distribution ceremonies.

But back to now,

Yesterday,

D-Lo’s son was participating in the state finals of an scholastic competition,

Which were being held at said location of A secondary education,

And D-Lo was the team head coach,

So I figured it would be fun to go watch D-Lo coach,

Offspring perform,

All in the environment of my old high school,

Which I did.

Now …

Just as I never know how someone will respond,

React,

To My Function sharing,

I have learned that I never know how I’ll react when finding myself in settings of heavy Joe past.

Sometimes a setting of great memory magnitude …

Will wreck me up seriously.

Seriously.

Other times,

It does not register even a blip on the psyche wreckage scale.

One just doesn’t know.

I do know,

However,

That I find myself dysfunctionally non-interested in avoiding such memory intense situations,

And that when I find myself seriously wrecked by one,

Will revisit said situation until it no longer wrecks me seriously.

Testing myself.

Pushing.

Not knowing how I was going to react to roaming the halls containing my old lockers,

I was naturally kurious to see what would go down with me.

At least I think it’s a natural kuriousity.

Regardless,

Back in my day,

My high school was a large school …

And it’s gotten even larger over the years.

But despite some facial extensions,

And building additions,

I noticed driving into the upperclassman parking lot in which I had parked my rockin’ 64 1/2 Mustang in 1981,

It’s core presentation appeared unchanged.

Once inside,

It was confirmed.

The commons area still looked like the commons area I remembered,

The media center was still the same media center,

Just more computers,

And the freshman wing,

Though now absorb into the upper classman facilities,

Still had the hallways and presence of the freshman wing of old.

I had a blast.

D-Lo’s team did great,

It’s always a hoot watching younglings do their scholastic thing.

I also got to roam around,

Snoop.

I saw a couple of my old lockers,

Several classrooms,

And spotted Joe in a picture in one of the conference championship photos lining the fieldhouse wall.

Such a squirrel.

Since the commons cafeteria was open to feed the competitive academic masses,

I even got to treat myself to a hamburger and chocolate chip cookie,

As I was wondering if they were as good and tasty as I remembered.

They weren’t. *shrug*

All in all,

It was a total non-reactionary event for me.

Not an issue in the least,

Which is kewl,

Meaning unless a special need arises,

I probably won’t go there again.

Confess I will,

That even though I didn’t have the need,

Urge,

I did make it a special point to use to Girl’s Restroom.

I always wondered what they looked like inside,

Even way back then.

It’s the most weight I’ve ever lost in a week that didn’t involve throwing up.

Of course, I’ll always take one for the team, but if I don’t have to … I won’t.

… though just for the record, he was looking just as drunk and bastardly as he always did !

Sometimes that “Same Where, Different When” thing really rattles me.